“I only have sex once every few months.”
It’s not unusual for me to hear this line from friends or acquaintances, many of whom are men. Most of these individuals have been in relationships for many years, have children and enjoy stable, albeit disappointingly sex-less lives.
He told me that in the beginning of their relationship, things were very passionate with little intimacy. Most thought it would continue like this indefinitely, but now disappointment is at hand.
Yet it’s normal for one’s sexual desire to wane after a year or two of dating, said Andrea Seyfarth, a psychologist who works as a couples therapist in Hamburg.
A cocktail of hormones plays a big role in this, Seyfarth said. These increase our sex drive at the beginning of a relationship but as the relationship progresses, a hormone called oxytocin, which promotes social bonding, becomes more pronounced.
“These bonding hormones weaken our sex drive hormones, reducing our desire and frequency of sex,” Seyfarth explains. “This is something you need to be aware of as a couple.”
So how do couples deal with these changes? Communication is important, he discussed. Couples should talk openly about what they like and what they don’t like in the bedroom. It is important to understand your own sexuality because certain positive or negative experiences can have a huge impact on sex drive.
Do women experience greater loss of sex drive?
Meredith Chivers, a psychology professor and sexologist at Queen’s University in Canada, has studied female sexuality and says it is different from male sexuality. Chivers’ research shows that women can become physically aroused without actually feeling aroused.
This means that just because a woman’s vagina gets wet does not mean that she also feels pleasure. “We observed significant physiological sexual response among women to a whole range of sexual stimuli that are not at all desired or desirable, for example, depictions of sexual coercion,” Chivers told DW.
The reason for this physiological effect lies in the protective function of lubrication in the context of rape—as horrible as it sounds, Chivers said.
The researcher found that the discrepancy between physiological and psychological arousal may be especially pronounced in heterosexual women. According to Chivers, men and lesbian women show far greater overlap between physical and psychological arousal.
Feelings of sexual arousal depend on the types of experiences women have had with certain sexual stimuli, Chivers said. The separation of physical and psychological sexual arousal is not a question of female biology, she said, but more likely a matter of how women have experienced sexuality over the course of their lives.
“Gender roles, negative messages about bodies, experiences of pain and violence – these kinds of factors disconnect women from their physical responses,” she explains. Furthermore, female pleasure and satisfaction are not prioritized in heterosexual relationships, he said.
This is reflected in the gender orgasm gap. A A 2022 study found that only 30% to 60% of women reach climax during heterosexual intercourseFor men, this figure ranges from 70% to 100%.
sexual satisfaction is important
When women’s sexual needs are not met for long periods of time, stable, long-term relationships can falter. According to, unsatisfied sexual needs can lead to sexual distress, which can reduce a person’s libido. Psychologist Natalie Rosen’s research,
Their study also found that having one’s sexual needs met was linked to higher sexual desire and greater relationship satisfaction.
Couples who don’t talk to each other about their sexual needs run the risk of getting stuck in a monotonous relationship. “Oftentimes, it’s the women who get bored,” Seyfarth said.
affection is important
“Especially for women, it matters how they feel in the relationship,” Seyfarth said. If women are not seen and valued, sexual intimacy in relationships can suffer. “It takes a lot of courage for women to express their needs and accept what they don’t like.”
Many couples are seeking Seyfarth’s help because they are experiencing lethargy in their sex lives, rarely touching each other in everyday settings. They hardly ever hug, kiss or touch each other. “And then it’s the weekend and that’s when sex has to happen, and it can feel like jumping off a 10-meter diving board.”
Seyfarth said that couples should therefore not only engage in open communication, but also show each other physical affection, as this strengthens the couple bond. Yet he also said that some couples need a degree of autonomy to keep their passion alive.
“Sometimes, distance is important and so is experiencing something exciting and new.”
sex is not necessary
Foreplay, like touching and kissing, can trigger lust, pleasure and arousal. “If it only happens when I feel sexually aroused I may have to wait longer for sex,” Seyfarth said.
Although sexual excitement may be enough in the early stages of a relationship, after a while, making time for each other in our busy lives – between child care, meetings and errands – becomes more important. It allows couples to develop “playful, intimate” ways “where sex is not essential, although remains a priority.”
After all, it is not just sex that deepens a couple’s relationship, but also the time that couples spend together after sex. Hugging and showing affection towards each other after sex strengthens the feeling of closeness, trust and affection in relationships. A study by psychologist Amy Muse found that Post-sex affection results in greater sexual and relationship satisfactionEspecially among women.
This article was originally written in German.