Pyotr Trofimov (name changed) had been in Germany for only three weeks when he received news that his father had died in St. Petersburg. If Russia had not launched a full-scale invasion of Ukraine, he would still be in Moscow, not the Bavarian city of Bayreuth.
Various estimates suggest that between 650,000 and 1 million people left Russia after the start of full-scale war in Ukraine in early 2022. Not all of them had planned to stay abroad for long, and even fewer would have imagined that returning home would eventually become dangerous. This meant that one faced the death of a loved one without the option of saying goodbye in person.
Trofimov is one of them. Before Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, he was pursuing his Ph.D. Were. He was a student at Moscow State University and planned to look for a job abroad after graduating in 2024. However, the war changed her plans, and so she found herself pursuing postgraduate studies at the University of Bayreuth.
“It was a spontaneous decision taken after the war started,” Trofimov said.
He said that he was afraid of what would happen next and believed that moving to Europe would help him have a more stable career.
The harm begins with immigration
When Trofimov learned of his father’s death, not even a month had passed since his departure to Germany. He was still trying to find a place to live and deal with the bureaucracy that comes with moving abroad.
“If circumstances had been different, I would have simply traveled from Moscow to St. Petersburg. It’s not a difficult task,” he told DW.
Yet their spontaneous move made it even more difficult: the return trip would have cost them a few thousand euros because direct flights between Russia and Germany were halted after the war in Ukraine broke out.
Trofimov met with a psychologist just hours after learning of his father’s death, which helped him deal with the initial shock. Still, he needed time to recover from the loss.
He said, “You can’t get out of it that easily. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.”
According to Munich-based rational-emotive-behavioral therapist Olga Harlamova, this was not Trofimov’s first loss since moving to Germany.
“The loss begins with the very act of migration. Often, we don’t realize it, so we don’t go through the grieving process,” he told DW.
“It all adds up: loss of job, loss of social circle and, ultimately, loss of dignity and sense of security,” said Harlamova, who moved to Germany from Belarus in 2000.
The psychologist said, when a person also has to face the death of a loved one in the background of all these losses, it becomes even more difficult to deal with.
Does time really heal all wounds?
Polina Grundman is the founder of Without Prejudice, a Sweden-based psychological aid NGO. Born and raised in Moscow, she launched Without Prejudice in March 2022 to help Russian speakers seeking psychological support in light of the war in Ukraine.
Grundman said it is no longer safe for him to return to Russia because of his NGO work. She said she was threatened with detention upon arrival, and as a result she could not travel to Russia to say goodbye when her parents died within three months of each other in early 2024.
Grundman said, “My parents were everything to me. And in an instant, I was orphaned.”
“If I could change everything, I would never have launched this NGO,” she said. But in 2022, he didn’t feel like starting it was “some kind of heroic act”, but rather a “completely normal” way to help others.
Grundman has still not recovered from the death of her parents.
She said, “As the head of a psychological aid NGO, I will be honest: First of all, time does not heal everything – it is not possible to recover from a loss. I have not recovered from my loss.” “Yes, my mind understands that my parents are gone. But I don’t push it any further, because it would destroy me. And I don’t want to do anything that would destroy me.”
Yet Grundman’s professional background gives her a clear understanding of how her brain deals with difficulties. And so, she believes that she will be able to begin to overcome her grief when she gets the chance to return to her apartment in Moscow and reconnect with her sisters.
But for now, daily exercise, therapy and her children are helping her survive.
“I look at my kids as a continuation of their parents,” Grundman said.
Finding closure through farewell rituals
In March 2022, video producer Aleksandar Slavin moved to Belgrade. A year later, his grandmother died. He was unable to fly to the funeral due to security concerns after his name was found in a database tracking anti-war Russians leaving the country.
“To be honest, I still have this constant internal conversation with myself about whose funeral I will attend. Probably nobody’s,” the 29-year-old said, adding that these thoughts sometimes really weigh on him.
Furthermore, Slavin is still having difficulty accepting that his grandmother is gone.
“I have this inner feeling that I haven’t really come to terms with it,” he said. Sometimes he finds himself thinking that if he returned to Russia now, he would find his family exactly as he had left them.
“Apparently, it doesn’t work that way,” he said with a sad laugh.
According to Harlamova, a therapist in Munich, farewell rituals can help find closure. “Saying goodbye isn’t just about spending a moment at the grave,” she explained.
When she lost her grandfather and was unable to attend his funeral, writing letters helped her. However, this is not the only option: one can pray, display pictures or plant a tree. As long as the acts help us recover from loss, the only limit to farewell rituals is our own imagination, Harlamova said.
from grundman It was reported without prejudice that open communication with loved ones could reduce intrusive thoughts about their possible death. She recommends discussing with your family what you would do if they were to die.
Talking about the topic, “even if with a touch of humor,” helps reduce the anxieties associated with it, he said.
Dealing with grief: what experts advise
Some people may also start blaming themselves for not being able to be with their loved one during their last days. This self-flagellation creates the illusion of control.
“If it’s my fault, I could change everything,” Harlamova explained about her thought process.
According to the therapist, people need to allow themselves to feel all those emotions. First, they have to give themselves permission to grieve.
“When a person cries, talks about their experiences, and — most importantly — receives support, it activates regulatory mechanisms in the nervous system,” she said.
To support a grieving person, one simply has to be there for them.
“Don’t give advice,” Kharlamova insisted. “The most important thing is to just give space to that pain. Sometimes you can just sit quietly next to them and hold their hand.”
According to Harlamova, feeling empty is a sign that you are coming out of an intense state of grief.
“This feeling marks the point at which you can start creating something new and shift gears,” he explains.
Also, acceptance does not mean that the pain will disappear. Grundman said the grieving process is a lot like dealing with addiction. Instead of saying that they have recovered, addicts count how many months or years they have managed to stay sober.
“But they will always be addicted,” Grundman said. That said, the pain of loss never really goes away, people just learn to live with it.
Edited by: Carla Bleiker