Casual sex is not inherently harmful, but for some people, ignoring personal needs or emotional boundaries can be emotionally taxing.
Despite the promise of freedom and easy intimacy, hookups don’t always feel empowering and for some women, they can lead to unexpected feelings of inadequacy.
DW spoke to several women in North America, Europe and parts of Asia who talked about hookups that provided a sense of short-term confidence but also made deeper intimacy difficult.
Heather, a 40-year-old American woman, describes this stress as making her feel “empty, sad, and temporarily empowered, but always wanting more.” When engaging in casual sex, she regularly tried to shut down her feelings, which felt like “cutting off a part” of herself.
Her description of the negative side of hookup culture is consistent with a little-researched condition called postcoital dysphoria (PCD), where people report negative feelings like tearfulness, sadness, or irritability after sex.
in 2020 StudyWomen reported experiencing these symptoms after consensual sexual activity or masturbation – some said the feelings only occurred after orgasm – and described feeling tired or emotionally depressed in the hours or days afterward.
Men also report PCD, but there is historical stigma surrounding women’s sexual autonomy and personal expectations, with some research surveys finding that three out of four women suffer from PCD due to casual encounters.
The motivations are mixed, and the results are mixed too
“I guess I’m not made for hookup culture,” said Ishta, a French-Indian woman in her thirties. “I crave connection more than sex. I often hope [sexual] “Partner will develop feelings for me, or we will start dating.”
Sexual desire is a complex phenomenon.
some studies show Women’s sexual desire may be shaped by the need for emotional closeness and relational cues, which can make disengagement during sex difficult.
Tara Suvinyattichaiporn, a professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University in the US, argues that this is often due to the way women were raised.
“Women have been socialized from a young age with caring, warm and nurturing qualities, as opposed to being aloof and unemotional. It is quite difficult for women to adapt to aloofness,” said Suvinyattichaiporn.
Symptoms of PCD may emerge when the desire for closeness is not reciprocated. It may also be related to a person’s self-esteem.
Although it is not guaranteed, people with high self-esteem who engage in casual sex can often avoid negative emotional effects.
“But a lot of people, men and women, engage in it for external validation,” Suvinyattichaiporn said.
This may result in difficulty with long-term dating, especially if a meaningful relationship remains elusive.
“I used to be extremely romantic and now I feel like I play a role in front of men I want to hook up with,” Ishta said. “I guess I don’t trust people as much anymore.”
Heather experienced an erosion of her self-worth and a negative attitude toward her potential sexual partners – a “belief that men were untrustworthy, sex-driven egoists.”
“In turn, I sometimes felt less valuable afterward, like I was used,” Heather said.
Mindfulness matters when it comes to breaking patterns
recent studies A study of predominantly North American couples found that those who were more mindful – meaning they paid attention to their sensations and feelings during sex, without judgment – reported better sexual function.
Suvinyattichaiporn said this awareness is lacking in many casual encounters. By design, casual sex often omits the conscious connection that makes the experience emotionally powerful.
Conversely, he said that hookups can be “emotionally numbing” for women and men.
Heather said, “I fully explored polyamory and pushed myself to the edge, but found myself exhausted and unstable… my nervous system couldn’t keep up.”
Heather now wants consistent intimacy, not fleeting satisfaction from sex. But this clarity came only after honest self-reflection – a process that can help women understand the casual sex experiences that sometimes lead to emotional exhaustion or a decline in self-esteem.
For people experiencing emotional burnout, Suvinyattichaiporn suggests taking time away from partnered casual sex to create space to slow down and consider what they’re feeling and what they need without outside pressure.
“After all, you want to be alone for a while while you work on yourself,” he said.
Therapy or coaching can provide insight into attachment patterns and help rebuild a sense of self-worth that may have been affected by emotionally stressful sexual experiences. Attachment patterns describe the ways people connect with themselves and others, which are shaped by early experiences, parent-child relationships, and feelings of security or insecurity developed in childhood.
Meditation can also support self-esteem and emotional resilience. Suvinyattichaiporn explains that it can help rebuild self-confidence, and mindfulness practices provide similar benefits, a connection consistently supported by research.
Journaling and affirmations are additional tools. “Positive self-talk is extremely powerful, and it can change the way you view yourself and the world around you,” says Suvinyattichaiporn.
These practices can help women restore confidence, avoid burnout, and make clearer choices about their sexual experiences.
Edited by MW Agius